Pet Your Pet

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I have been very busy finishing our short film 'Dundas Street' with my film partner, getting it ready for an upcoming deadline. Now that it's essentially done, I can recommit myself to being whimsical and charming for people of the internet. Once in a while, when I feel like it. Promise.

Now that all sass has been replenished, I have some fresh meat to lay down. And when I say fresh meat, I mean animals. But not to eat. I could never eat a dog or a horse, because they make me soft and stupid inside. I love them so much. 

Back to animals. Troy Emery and Jason Freeny. Who are these jokers? Answer: They are artists, who happen to be imaginatively clever. 

Troy Emery is amazing. He uses neon pompoms (probably my favourite medium) to create magical animal sculptures. Stripes, proportion play, colour blocking, and more!

© Troy Emery

© Troy Emery

© Troy Emery

© Troy Emery

© Troy Emery

Unfortunately, I sort of feel like Nicki Minaj or someone equally caustic would wear something like this.

Oh look, she already has:

via JustJared

But why would that cheapen my love for Emery's work? Emery's detailed patterning is gorgeous, and there's nothing like a real huggable rainbow.

One of his dogs is better than a pet because it's just as soft, but doesn't lick its own genitals before licking your face. Plus a real dog would like a miserable clown if you gave it a dyed technicolour coat.

And here we have Jason Freeny, a cunning sculpturist. My oh my. One of his projects is comprised of deconstructed vinyl toys, with inner anatomy on display.

Little bones, little heart, little intestines. And you could easily get away with calling it a adult toy. It's mature, it's scientific (fictionally scientific, but I'll side-step the oxymoron).

© Jason Freeny

Did you know that My Little Pony has bell-bottom foot bones? (I did. But that's an obvious one.)

© Jason Freeny

Did you know that a Care Bear is composed of more than just care?

© Jason Freeny

And now, a dough animal. But he's more than just dough! There's a pelvis in there too. Now we can find the origin of his 'woo hoo' sound. 

Copy and Paste Your Face

I never forget a face. You'll have to tattoo your name on me so I don't forget it, but a face stays in my mind forever. Unfortunately.

This is how it goes: If I've ever seen you on Facebook, or in passing with a friend of a friend, I will remember. And when I run into you, I smile or say hi. You then shoot me a weird look, or maybe feel flattered because you think a little blond girl is hitting on you. There's a lot of blushing and physical tension, and we both walk away. 

I just.... always remember faces, and it can make my life kind of awkward. 

It's facial features. We recognize patterns and proportions, muscles and wrinkles. But I remember the swagger in a cocky smile, the droopiness of a pissed off mouth. I even like crooked teeth, because they help build the story.

Anyway. I've always had a theory that the reason why people look alike is because there's a limited number of ways people could look. Certain noses, eyes, hairlines, chins, etc. are reconfigured and repeated in faces. I've had my share of twins. Francois Brunelle has got this all figured out.

Danielle Boucher and Jovette Desmarais

Alex Bartosik and Victoria Stusiak

He's a Canadian artist who has been working on a long-running photography project 'I'm Not a Look-Alike', in which he photographs doppelgangers. Brunelle's photos have already gotten a ton of press coverage, but deserve more than 15 minutes of fame. At least 20 or so would be good. There's something really magical about these long lost non twin look-alikes.

A whole bunch of other unrelated twins

So the truth is out, I'm big on doppelgangers. If you've ever seen Mulholland Dr., David Lynch really twists his storylines with doppelgangers. (I'll say no more; If you haven't seen it yet, do it. Right now.)

Since I'm really feeling this, I thought I'd go out on a limb, and share my own personally captured twins.

Brents Pix and Dogwelder, via Flickr

Party fire hydrants, these fratboys are brothers from another mother.

Daniel Hurst Photography and Laurie Melissa Photography, via Flickr

Tire swinging. Separated at birth.

00 images, Andrew Lively, chemicalbrother7, HoraVarlan via Flickr

Lonely clouds all look the exact same.



What is the conclusion one can draw?

Chances are, your photography isn't original. Neither is your face.

(But hey, I never forget a face.)

Art School, Cool Fools

The best part of being an art student is getting away with anything. Nothing is of major consequence; you're not trying to sell your work or please a client to pay your rent. In fact, you're the one paying a school to nurture your creativity, foster your ideas. Often those ideas are strange, confusing... experiments [mistakes].

I wish I cared a bit less when I was in school. I was such a hard ass, very strict with my brain. I really didn't like the idea of making mistakes. If only I relaxed a bit, maybe I'd have come up with something as heartwrenchingly exciting as these stunners:

This is my favourite, elephant aaaaaaaarrmmmmm

I mean it. I think these are incredible. It's like jumping off the roof into a pool of garage sale. I'm getting itchy just looking at them. 

To be fair, the designers are fashion students at a top school in England. They need press and notoriety to get somewhere after grad. They probably don't have the laissez-faire attitude I'm imagining. 

Have you seen Art School Confidential? It's mandatory. That's all. 

I don't like to get into conversations about art with people who hate. There's always someone who says, my 5 year old could make this crap. And I think, but they didn't! If your 5 year old can somehow get a gallery show and sell their work successfully, that's when they'll get the seal of approval from the public. You need to join the capitalist club to be someone. It's kind of confusing (which is why I try to avoid talking about it altogether).  

But then there are those under appreciated, quiet artists who don't get the recognition they deserve. Don't worry, when I'm rich enough I'll buy their art and support those stars. Or just blog about them behind their backs.


(Student designs on the runway at the Royal College of Art Graduate Show June 2, 2011)

Plastic in the Face

I just turned 25. Every time I get carded and the bouncer asks my age, my mouth opens to say I'm 21. Apparently my long-term memory doesn't log any age after that. Which is fine for now, because at least I look 21, if not 17. I often dress like a teenager, and my hair is never styled like a grown woman would wear it. Most of the time, I don't even brush my hair. I call it 'Beach waves'.

But. I'm starting to notice the effects of aging. 

Now, I don't smoke. I don't drink. I always protect my face from the sun. I moisturize, and I do what I can to avoid looking ragged or pruneish. 

But my eyes. They seem to be getting eye wrinkles. They're only prominent when I smile, but I think I'm starting to look James Franco-y when that happens.

I promised my bff (best boyfriend forever) that I wouldn't ever have cosmetic plastic surgery. And I don't want to, really. I'm terrified. There's so many garbage faces out there, women who threw out the eyes and mouth and noses they inherited from their ancestors, only to adopt scary plastic masks that look, at best, not like them at all. 

These plastic faces seem to mimic representations of beauty that are prevalent and enjoyed, even by me: 

Eyebrow lift,  nose upturning, eye expansion

  +

Total facelift, cheek injections, heart-shaping of the face

=

Source: GUP Magazine

Japanese anime doesn't even include noses in its characters much of the time. But Michael Jackson accidentally proved that cutting your nose down to 1/8th of its size is a very poor idea. When it gets that small, it looks like a hangnail. 

I'm never going to have a cute little nose, I'll never have eyes that take up half my face. I appreciate the aesthetic on Bambi, but I'm a real person, and I should probably stay that way. 

Because once I get started, I'll probably end up looking like this:

It looks like a glamour shot from Toddlers and Tiaras. And nobody wants that, unless you're a stage mom or an eager 5-year-old princess. (What is wrong with this world? Also, I kind of like my blush colour here. Ugh I'm the worst.)

Matching, Clashing, and Fashion

Please meet our stylish contestants for the 1970s version of...

Fashion Your Room!

These wonderful ladies each have a distinct personality. It's up to us (by us I mean me) to find the perfect room decor to suit their style. And then Photoshop them into place. And then it's your job to mouse over the image and be amazed.

I admit, the 1970s were kind of extreme (and often ugly), which is why it's all so fascinating to me. High necklines, prints, medieval sleeves, bellbottoms; everything so brutal, garish, outrageous... no wonder the 80s were so bonkers. They had to find a way to top the previous decade.

Even the trends in interior decor involved overwhelming colours of wall paint, rugs, ephemera, assembled to really make an impact. Like a mallet to your brain. To be clear, I could never live in such a place, and I don't condone it. But it's so much fun to look at!
 

And now, on to our lovely ladies.

            
   Shelly

  Age: 28

  Profession: Interpretive Dance Instructor

  Hobbies: Geometry and Lamp collecting

  Favourite Drink: Cherry Cola

  Guilty Pleasure: Swinging on the weekends

Unveiling, the perfect room to match Shelly! Mouse over to see her in it.

         

   Margo

  Age: 21

  Profession: Veterinarian

  Hobbies: Parasailing and Making jewelry

  Favourite Hangout: In a tree

  Guilty Pleasure: Wearing sunglasses inside

Here is the room for Margo! Mouse over to see her in it.

         

  Linda

  Age: 25

  Profession: Opera Singer

  Hobbies: Space Invaders and Gardening

  Favourite Food: Strawberry sauce fondue

  Guilty Pleasure: Blackjack

Check out Linda in her killer living room!

         

  Rita

  Age: 29

  Profession: Carpenter

  Hobbies: Winemaking and jousting

  Favourite Music: Organ music

  Guilty Pleasure: She never feels guilty

Here's Rita, in her serious serious chamber:

       

  Terry and Mary

  

  Age: 24

  Profession: Nurses

  Hobbies: Checkers and Double dates

  Favourite Nightspot: The Disco

  Guilty Pleasure: Knitting each other vests!



Since Terry and Mary are inseparable pals, here's the perfect pad for the pair:

This was essentially a one-player game, but thanks for coming along for the ride. The women were sourced from my 1972 Joan Fisher's Guide to Needlecraft, and the decor was taken from something like Interior Decorating on a Budget (1970s).

I have a small amount of OCD. Like many people. And I love matching things up, because it makes me feel complete in some way. Steady. 

However, my clothes never match. I was actually having a conversation about this with my very fashionable friend Victoria. She basically said, "It's funny how some people think that wearing everything in their closet in a random arrangement means they're on the cutting edge of high fashion." (Visit some hipster fashion blogs and you'll know what we mean). 

 I completely agree with her. But don't get me wrong. Mismatching is totally legit. Check this: I've been mismatching my clothes since I was 6, and it's because I wear what feels flattering and exciting, and if the colours do it for me. Even someone as lazy as I am can put together a completely clashing outfit. And I'm pretty sure I don't deserve a pat on the back for that. 

But I'll take an iced tea, if you've got it.

Take a look, it's in a book! A Reading Rainbow

Why, hello there. Welcome to my secret cove of handheld delights.

It's super convenient that books are available electronically now, and I no longer run the risk of smearing chocolate all over the cover, or accidentally lighting pages on fire.

But beautiful and absurd books are my weakness. Sometimes I actually avoid stepping into used bookstores, because I might want too many of them, just based on their looks. Living in a teeny apartment means no storage, and no room for such stray dogs I want to claim as my own.

The thing about those paper pups... is that they always find their way to me somehow.

These relics are my little treasures. I always try to downsize my stuff upon stuff, but I just can't toss these:


101 Glamorous Gifts to Make by Miriam Morrison Peake, Scholastic Book Services 1967

Design by Roger Heins, Photograph by John Gruen 

Found: Garage Sale (I think), from when I was 9ish. I tried to make some of these crafts, but only got 1/8th of the way through, every time. Love the *glamorous* cellophane lion. This handy book also includes plenty of gift advice, such as:

The Masculine Approach
"Men, it has often been said, are really just grown-up boys. For them, humor, hobbies, and sports replace the little fripperies that delight a woman's heart. You should flatter their egos, appeal to their sense of fun, and cater to their preferences [...] Wrappings can have masculine flavor."



Cavalcade of Comedy by Louis Kronenburger, Simon & Schuster 1953

Design by Seymour Robins

Found: Last year I went to a Korean restaurant, and for about 15 minutes no servers seemed to notice us. So we left, and lying outside was this court-jestery consolation prize.

Carefree Gardening by Jean Hersey, Van Nostrend Reinhold 1961

Found: Value Village in Barrie, Thanksgiving 2008. My bedroom is adorned with many faded old photos of sunny gardens and fields, and this cover + the typography = slam dunk. I've been meaning to frame it. Alas, I can be pathologically lazy sometmz.

Heloise's Hints For Working Women by Heloise, Simon & Schuster 1971

Found: Recently a neighbour was moving, and tried to give me a ton of her old things. Then she asked me for a monetary donation for them. This book was worth it, I think. I dig the title typography. The content is a confused little mix of sexism and go-get'em-gal-ism:

"It's unfair that working gals, who have to be seen in public so much, are the ones with the least time for beauty and grooming. Though we all want to look nice for our families, they'll always love us, even if our nail polish is chipping a bit. But appearance on the job really counts! If you work in an office, naturally, your boss is going to want a well-groomed, attractive you to welcome his clients."

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams, Pan Books 2001

Found: Antique Store on Queen West, on a summer stroll in 2009 (although it's not exactly an antique, as this commemorative edition was published in the current decade). This cover looks like a photographed tv screen, in friendship bracelet colours. Neat science fiction type treatment.



Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, Doubleday and Company 1945

Pride and Prejudice, inside cover

Found: Junction Value Village last year. There seems to be a dust jacket missing, but we don't need it. It's so cute, it looks like Pride and Prejudice for Newborn Baby Girls. Oh, the lessons they'd learn.



Vivre en Amour by somebody amazing, 1974

Found: Value Village in Montreal, summer trip 2008. A ton of NSFW illustrations inside, with French Canadian couples frolicking in bed and doing stuff. It's a seriously informative book, but nothing beats the ridiculous photographs:

Oral Contraceptives

Fantasies

In-Laws

Hand Intercourse